Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Streaming thoughts of a special needs mom

barely 1 month old
 Today my muscles ache from deep inside, where knots have lived for years.  He needed to be worn all day.  He didn't want to get down.  My muscles screamed, but I ignored they're incessant complaints.  They always hurt, a little rest won't stop that pain. 

When I put him down to eat, he fell.  When I turned away to get something, he slipped.  His body is not cooperating today.  His right foot seems to be lagging behind when he's cruising.  He almost face planted on the activity table.  Is this because we didn't do the Masgutova Treatment Method today?  Can we not skip one day of therapy?  No I guess we can't skip therapy.
Sometimes it's hard being a therapist and mom.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much about the body and effects of a stroke.  I don't know if I worry more than the average special needs mom, but I worry.  I worry even when things seem to be great.  I worry more when I see him struggle.  I can see the difference when he's having an off day.  I guess I'm not that great on my off days either.  I guess I'm having an off day.

When he cries, it's heartbreaking.  He doesn't cry often, so when he cries it feels like something is horribly wrong.  Did that fall hurt his brain more?  Is that why he's screaming?  No.  He didn't lose conscious or start throwing up.  No.  He didn't have another brain injury.  Falling is a part of learning to stand, learning to walk.  He hasn't learned about gravity yet.  He will.  I hope he will.

It's going to be okay.  He's doing amazingly well.  Yes.  He surpassed all my expectations.  I have to stop having expectations.  I have to treat him like a "typical" child.  He's not sick.  He just has a brain injury.  He's not going to die.  He just has a brain injury. 

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  1. Bea, yes it is frightening to know so much about the human body when you have a sick baby.
    you are doing the best you can and it is okay that you are exhausted. i am glad he is that well again. i am glad he can spend every single day with him. i am glad you are his mom, because you are the best mom he could ever get.
    big hugs to you.

  2. Suki.

    There are tears in my eyes! Thank you for your comforting words. I needed it today. You have made my day!

  3. Wow. Beautifully written. Your courage and your strength tug at my heart.
    May you find joy in the simple today.

  4. ((hugs)) i am sorry for the hard days, and the hurt. you are a GREAT mom though, don't forget that!

    1. Thanks for the hugs and the encouraging words. It's so lovely of you!


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