Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Am I not good enough?

I've been sick on and off for over a couple months.  It's my friend fibromyalgia (chronic pain syndrome), wreaking havoc upon my body.  It doesn't like being so tired all the time, which is why my immune system is down and making me sick with yet another cold.  Fibromyalgia feels like a bad flu that won't go away, so having a cold on top of that feels really awful.  Ugh!

Other experienced parents say that you feel tired for at least 10 years.  Is that true?  I might be a sick puppy for some time.  It really worries me that I won't be able to give my son everything I wish I could give time, my strength, my joy...if I'm sick all the time.  I'm most afraid that I won't be able to give him the therapy he needs...that really makes me want to cry.  What's the use of being a therapist, when I'm unable to provide therapy for the one person I want to treat the most?

He's bear crawling.  It's not the best form of crawling.  It doesn't prepare the body for walking and it doesn't stimulate the vestibular system (movement) for balance in the best way.  I can't get him to stop.  Though, honestly, I haven't been able to give him the therapy he needs to cross crawl instead.  I've been sick and therapy is a little stalled. 

Sometimes when he looks at me, I wonder if my sickness makes me less of a mother.  Would he have been better off with a mom that wasn't sick?  It breaks my heart.

Then I see him exploring and experimenting with something new and I'm amazed at his curiosity and intelligence.  I'm grateful to be his mom.  I'm grateful that he brings me so much joy...making my illness seem less awful.

He has come a long way in the past 9 months.  He is really tenacious, persistent, and stubborn.  These are good traits when you're trying to overcome a stroke.  Yes.  My son is teaching me to persist in my efforts to feel well and to never give up.

He may be bear crawling, but he can certainly squat!

And go up steps!

Get mad at his mom!

And be generally adorable!

Hmm...  Writing is cathartic.  He may have a mom who is sick all the time, but it does make me more sympathetic to him.  I really know what it's like to try hard for the little things.  I know how frustrating it is to have limitations.  I know what it's like to have an invisible disease.  Whatever effects this stroke will have on him, might seem invisible, but it will still be difficult to deal with on a daily basis.  I will be able to show him by to deal with the frustrations of being "different".  Well...this is what I hope.

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