Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Metamorphosing into a mother

Metamorphosing from child to adult has been excruciating.  The stench from the rotting cocoon fills my nose and reminds me of my journey to this place.  The place where healing finally begins and the past can finally be burned into ashes.  Even the ashes must be set free into the wild ocean, for the tame ground of my soul is too tender for its teeth.  The scars are still healing and sometimes they burst open revealing the puss that must be extricated and thrown into the acid of no return.

This is just the beginning.  This is just the beginning of washing the stain of my pain.  The stain that tried to tattoo itself to my heart and body.  It won't be a short journey.  It's already lasted 39 years.  Many things have changed during that time, but the pain is always the same.  It started with my reluctant birth into a world where I was not wanted.  Into a world, where my presence burdened two broken beings together.

The healing began when I birthed another being.  One I had not expected.  One I didn't know I could mother into human form.  Then a lightening stroke broke open a wound in his brain and my mothering instincts pressed the pedal to the metal and a mother was born.  She is fierce.  She is capable.  She is trying to transform my broken form into the woman I need to be.  The kind of woman that becomes the mother of a strong man, without a man.

At the climax of all that could go wrong, a gift was given.  A gift I could not refuse, even when I thought it would be best.  I found my passion in loving a little form that clarifies my understanding of unconditional love.  I found that after all, I was meant to be a mother.  After all, I was meant to be his mother.

2 months old
  Linking up to Just Write.

6 comments:

  1. So beautiful and love the idea of pressing the pedal to the medal. Indeed a gift and indeed meant to be his mama. Such a cutie! Congratulations on your most meaningful gift.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate it.

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  2. Isn't it amazing how we think of ourselves as "grown-up" and then we have a baby and find out just how little we know? And how much more growing up we have to do?? And when one of those babies has special needs? Well, heaven help the person who stands in our way of getting them the help they need. Am I right?? :) Nice post, Bea!

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    1. Yes! Exactly! I never knew how strong I could be, how much I could do for such a little person! I feel like I'm finally an adult...or closer than ever before!

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  3. Oh fierce strong mama. I am in tears over here. He is so lucky to have such strength and love to guide him through this adventure we know as life. XO

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    1. Thank you so much. I don't always feel strong, but I'm determined to be as strong as I can for my little guy.

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