Fibromyalgia brain fog mess

I'm finally over my cold!  Yeah!  But...I still have a mild flare up (fibromyalgia)...boooo!  I wanted to write lots of helpful articles about treating a stroke, but I can't think straight.  Why?  Brain fog.  What's that, you say?  It's another symptom of fibromyalgia.  Yup!  My good friend does not disappoint.  Ugh!  

I open one of my many drafts, but I stare at the screen.  Sometimes, I attempt to write a few sentences, but they don't make sense.  It's harder because I have to write them in "layman's terms".  That means I have to define everything and attempt to explain myself in a way that would make sense to anybody, not just therapists.  

In person, I can easily adapt to the person I'm speaking to by reading their cues, but online I have to be clearer.  Otherwise, y'all will think I'm incompetent.  Or, at least that's what I think.  I guess it could be part of my perfectionism problem.  Sigh!  Aren't I supposed to be over this personality flaw by now?  I'm 39 years old!  Ugh!

The good news is that I've started to do the Masgutova Method with Baba again...with good results!  I was so sick, that we had to put this method on hold for 3 weeks!  I feel terrible, but it couldn't be helped.  It was just too hard.  He no longer wants to lay around while his mom "massages" him.  He's always on the go.  That means Auntie and I have to do crazy things to get all the reflexes done.
 

He's starting to cross crawl (on knees, rather than on his feet), which is good.  We still have a ways to go, but it's much harder now because he's used to bear crawling (on his feet). He's decided he wants to crawl that way, even when it's obviously harder on certain surfaces.

We are also working on developing his pincer grasp.  He finds it extremely frustrating that he can't pick up small objects.  He's not behind per typical charts, but it's obvious that he finds it frustrating.  Each child has their own developmental timeline and I believe Baba would be more advanced in his fine motor, if he hadn't suffered a stroke.  How do I know?  Mommy intuition, coupled with therapeutic observation.

If I don't help him develop his fine motor at his pace, he might get so frustrated that he'll give up.  This will adversely affect his motivation, making it harder to work on later.  It will also affect his self confidence, which will affect performance in other areas.

Baba suffered a stroke mainly in his frontal lobe, on his left side, though it also damaged part of his parietal lobe.  The frontal lobe controls executive functions (problem solving, memory, etc.).  It also can affect frustration tolerance, attention, and learning.  Many children with this type of injury may also develop emotional problems when they're older.  

The left parietal lobe houses the language centers.  It is my secret fear that he'll understand language, but won't be able to communicate his thoughts.  It's not the articulation part because with IPads, kids can now speak.  No.  The worst language problem is understanding everything, but not be able to communicate verbally, written, or sign.  In this type of problem, the person thinks he is clearly speaking, but it sounds like gibberish to everyone else.  They can't communicate in any medium.

It doesn't look like he has this issue, as he is perfectly able to use gestures and intonations to communicate now.  Yet I still have panic attacks that Baba has this communication problem.  Yes, I know it's crazy.  I know it's most likely not true...yet...  What can I say?  My mind seems to like drama.

Hopefully, my brain fog will clear soon, and I'll be able to finish writing "wearing baby, part 2" or any of the other 5 articles I've started, but can't seem to finish.  Perhaps I will have a posting spree when I finally finish the articles!

All the photos are from our day in the park, last weekend.  He really seemed to love it!  He's usually reticent, but this time he couldn't wait to explore.

The crazy kid tried to go down head first!  I guess he hasn't learned about heights yet! 

I think he wasn't happy that I was "helping" him.

We had so much fun!  The milestone of the day was trying to climb back up the slide.  Of course, he needed much help!  However, I thought we'd celebrate the attempt!

Am I not good enough?

I've been sick on and off for over a couple months.  It's my friend fibromyalgia (chronic pain syndrome), wreaking havoc upon my body.  It doesn't like being so tired all the time, which is why my immune system is down and making me sick with yet another cold.  Fibromyalgia feels like a bad flu that won't go away, so having a cold on top of that feels really awful.  Ugh!

Other experienced parents say that you feel tired for at least 10 years.  Is that true?  I might be a sick puppy for some time.  It really worries me that I won't be able to give my son everything I wish I could give him...my time, my strength, my joy...if I'm sick all the time.  I'm most afraid that I won't be able to give him the therapy he needs...that really makes me want to cry.  What's the use of being a therapist, when I'm unable to provide therapy for the one person I want to treat the most?

He's bear crawling.  It's not the best form of crawling.  It doesn't prepare the body for walking and it doesn't stimulate the vestibular system (movement) for balance in the best way.  I can't get him to stop.  Though, honestly, I haven't been able to give him the therapy he needs to cross crawl instead.  I've been sick and therapy is a little stalled. 

Sometimes when he looks at me, I wonder if my sickness makes me less of a mother.  Would he have been better off with a mom that wasn't sick?  It breaks my heart.

Then I see him exploring and experimenting with something new and I'm amazed at his curiosity and intelligence.  I'm grateful to be his mom.  I'm grateful that he brings me so much joy...making my illness seem less awful.

He has come a long way in the past 9 months.  He is really tenacious, persistent, and stubborn.  These are good traits when you're trying to overcome a stroke.  Yes.  My son is teaching me to persist in my efforts to feel well and to never give up.

He may be bear crawling, but he can certainly squat!

And go up steps!

Get mad at his mom!

And be generally adorable!

Hmm...  Writing is cathartic.  He may have a mom who is sick all the time, but it does make me more sympathetic to him.  I really know what it's like to try hard for the little things.  I know how frustrating it is to have limitations.  I know what it's like to have an invisible disease.  Whatever effects this stroke will have on him, might seem invisible, but it will still be difficult to deal with on a daily basis.  I will be able to show him by example...how to deal with the frustrations of being "different".  Well...this is what I hope.